Letting it out

What moving entails

• Lists about what to do, who to call, when to do such things, lists about creating lists
• Research
• More assistance than you are used to needing
• More time than you have - especially when you are working full-time and the only provider for your children
• Truly finding out who is there for you in times of need, stress, you name it and who is not
• Emotions ranging from: sadness to rejoicing
• Phone calls, emails, faxing, all while still working and getting home to the kids by 4:30 and going non-stop until 7:30ish
• Exhaustion
• Stress overload
• Mass amount of questions that you need answered and that you need to answer
• Way too many "what if's"

3....2....1......PANIC!

Happy to sad in just a few quick random moments

• Went full on stock the fridge and freezer, over flowing the cart grocery shopping with all three of the kids this morning.  My kids woke up at 6:30 - irritated me because that means they would have slept in until 7:30 - boo hiss!  
• Grocery stores need to have those big carts easily accessible - enough said. 
• Trying to make a final decision on travel arrangements for the move and some other dates that I will not even mention as they are unimaginable at this point 
• Heard THE comment you NEVER say to someone who has just sent a loved one off to war.  I tried to pretend I didn't even hear them say it.   
• Finally got the nerve, ok, the stomach to upload pictures from our last weekend together for quite some time.  Color = happy.  Black and white - not so much.
   
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Trick or not

Last night after the babies were in bed and Addyson was getting ready for her bath, I decided to order something to eat (first night I've really had an appetite - yes, I'm eating - you don't get this large without some crappy decisions).  As Addyson was climbing out of "her" chair, *knock* *knock.*  The man at the door first mentioned that he had a daughter who went to the school I teach at (still wearing my work clothes) and as he was getting ready to leave he asked Addyson, "Are you ready to go trick-or-treating?" 

"Sir, we aren't going.  Thank you - have a good night."

Addyson yells out before the door closes, "Trick-o-treat!"

Frickinfabulous. 

Sure enough the whole time in the bath, Addyson has tears streaming down her face, repeatedly telling me, "I wanna trick treat." 

Damn you delivery dude for making me feel bad about my decision.  And to think, I gave you an extra tip, because at your age you shouldn't have to be a delivery man, I was trying to help you out, knowing that times are tough.  You repay me with an upset toddler. 

Boo. 

I hope everyone else had a tear-free Halloween.

Making a decision that I don't want to make a decision

Many IRL people have been asking me and or hounding me about getting a job when I move back to Illinois (which is less than 2 months away - crap).  I have been going back and forth with myself trying to figure out what I should do.  Well, I don't know if there is a correct answer.  But, for me I just can't possibly move cross country, deal with Xmas, get into a classroom and have it looking the way I want it to, let alone learn the new curriculum and have it all planned and ready, plus find daycare for the kids.  I just CAN'T WON'T do it.  I would like to take my time getting situated, especially for my little monkeys.  I will, more than likely, substitute to help scope out the schools and maybe, hopefully, get my foot in the door. 

1 decision made, 500 more to go.  Slightly overwhelmed.

Numb

Yesterday felt like we were the sand granules dripping one by one into the time capsule.  We longed for the day to be long, and that it was, indeed.  The anticipation for the evening was nearly unbearable.  I sobbed uncontrollably many times yesterday.  My heart ached for my children, their blinded minds, unaware of what was about to happen.  Cody put the babies to bed all by himself, losing a part of him as he closed that door behind him.  And then we waited some more. 

We snuggled in bed with Addyson enjoying the time we still had together. 

He went back into the babies' room and picked up their sleeping bodies to clutch, remembering the smell of their skin, the feel of their hair, the sound of their breaths. 

The drive was solemn. 

Cody, "I have nothing left.  I feel completely empty." 

Once we arrived at Cody's work, Addyson yelled, "Daddy stay, stay daddy, stay!"  He unloaded his bags, took Addyson to the potty (of course she had to go, right?), came back down where the three of us hung on to the last few moments together. 

Addyson was extremely tired and demanding that she go to the car to her seat.  We explained to her that daddy had to go to work for a long, long time, which she repeated and gave her daddy several hugs, kisses, and no nes. 

Cody and I hung onto each for what seemed to be too short of a time.  And then he walked away, drying his tears becoming the soldier he needs to be.  As I closed the door to the van, Addyson said, "Mommy cry.  Mommy daddy hug."

Time is an evil beast, never turning out the way you want it to.

And now, I am numb.  I cannot possibly cry any more than I have this past weekend.  I have felt dehydrated for days from all the uncontrollable sobs.  

As I woke up this morning, I knew that it was time to function.  Get through each day, day by day, no more time for sadness or self wallowing, I must be, and that I will. 

Falling

I'm here more fragile than ever. 

This is our last night here together as a family.  Cody leaves late tomorrow, so he will say his goodbyes to the twins when we put them to bed.  He has made the decision to take Addyson with us, so tonight was the last time he will say goodnight to Addyson in this house.  We have way too long until he gets to snuggle with her in her bed and read her the same story over and over again.

This is extremely hard. 

My eyes are so swollen from crying they are nearly shut.  I'm falling fast and it is going to take some time to get back up again. Please be patient as I curl up, shake from crying so hard, and look like I have been ran over by a semi truck. 

Why am I writing versus snuggling tightly up against Cody?  He is recording stories for the kids.  We are trying to make this as easy for them as possible. 

I need to go, I feel my throat tightening up making it hard to breathe. 

Crumbling

News today at 4:30 pm:  Cody is leaving earlier. 

News at 6:30 pm:  The time got bumped up 6 hours.  

We have the weekend.  That is it.  Planning on keeping the kids here for the send off.  It is going to be in the evening and very brief compared to the 2 times past.  

I will admit that I crumbled this evening as Cody told the kids goodnight.  So many things running through my head, mostly all the moments he will miss with his children.  

Addyson, "Mommy you sad.  Mommy you better?"  

I need to be strong.  Strong for my children.   

My three little pumpkins

This weekend was perfect.  We spent Saturday chasing after the kids and after they were all snug in their beds, Cody and I went out for dinner and a movie.  I let Cody choose the movie and it was funny, so he did a good job.  I still want to see WTWTA.  Yesterday we headed out to a pumpkin farm in the middle of no where.  The weather was chilly enough to wear pants, long sleeves, jackets, and hoods for the rugrats.  Addyson enjoyed all of it from the animals, bounce mat, make shift cart ride, to picking out the pumpkins.  When I set her loose to pick out a pumpkin I explained that we needed three pumpkins.  

On the hunt

Do you notice those really, really, small pumpkins?  Addyson wanted one of those pumpkins.  I kept telling her it was too smalll.  She would put it down 

and just go find another one.  I finally convinced her after picking up about 10 little pumpkins to get a bigger pumpkin.  

Remember when I told her she needed three pumpkins?  Well, she tried with all her skinny boned self to pick up three pumpkins.  

"Here mommy.  One for sissy, Ewigh."  

I ended up carrying two of the three pumpkins to the wagon where daddy and the babies awaited. 

Since we had some time to spare, Cody decided it would be a good idea to let he babies walk and pick out their own pumpkins. 

Eligh took about 3 steps on the hilly dirt filled ground and found his pumpkin.  

Kinsley, our independent gal, took off.  She was running through the pumpkins giggling like a teen-aged girl.  She is sure going to cause me some trouble some day soon.  Thus, there is no individual picture of Kinsley with her pumpkin and therefore more pictures of Eligh and Addyson together. 

The best I could get of my three little pumpkins

I tried to stop today from happening, but no one listened.  

One more weekend together for a long time.  Sigh.  This is going to be tough, extremely tough. 

 
 
  

Here

I'm here, hanging low.  Spend my nights working and clutching on to the little moments together.  Less than 2 weeks left.  

Skipping Halloween this year (my children are too little to know the difference), plus it is too close to d-day and I won't have the energy to do it.  Selfish, yes.  We are "planning" to go to the pumpkin farm, though, so hopefully that will make up for it.  

Celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow with a big meal and all.  

Since I have THE best nanny, Cody and I are going out tonight, after the kids are all in bed.  I want to see one movie, he another.  I will let him choose as I will have the opportunity to go to the movies in the next at least 6 months (hoping he'll be home for leave around that time frame).  

If anyone has any moving companies they have used in the past and would either recommend or steer us away from please let me know.  We have two quotes already just trying to get one or two more to make sure we are getting the best deal.  

I'm here and will soon be bugging all of you more than you are going to want....

Is it wrong?

• To be in denial

• To not take your kids out for Halloween?

• To not want happiness for yourself?

• To cry at least once a day?

• To not want to talk about it?

One thing I do know, is that it is wrong for all of this to be happening again.  So very wrong.